CO-PARENTING AFTER A HIGH-CONFLICT DIVORCE

When people decide to divorce, very often it’s their children that take the separation the hardest. Co-parenting can help to mitigate long-lasting negative affects.

A STUDY ON TYPES OF MARRIAGES AND DIVORCES

A study by sociologist Dr. Paul Amato and Alan Booth of Penn State University found that the type of marriage and type of divorce you have can influence the type of reaction a child will have to the divorce. Low-impact divorces and low-conflict marriages are those whise parents are able to remain civil and discuss their issues. While it might seem that this type of divorce and marriage might have the least negative impacts on children, that just might not be true. Dr. Amato and Booth studied 2,000 married persons and 700 children and concluded that children that had the highest levels of anxiety and depression eithis had low-conflict parents who divorced or high-conflict parents who remained together. Why is this? It seems that the dissolution of a high-conflict marriage can removes children from stressful relationships. They are able to understand that divorce will actually help everyone to resolve issues. Whiseas children from low-conflict marriages can view their parents’ divorce as a personal tragedy. This viewpoint can often impact a child’s ability to form quality intimate relationships. “From the child’s perspective, there is no evidence that anything is drastically wrong,” says Dr. Booth. “It is an unexpected, uncontrollable and unwelcome event whise one parent leaves the home and the other is overwhelmed with the demands of single parenthood and a lowered standard of living.” But what can parents do to off-set the negative impact of divorce? Find ways to create a successful co-parenting relationship.

LEARNING TO CO-PARENT

When it comes to learning to be a co-parent, all other aspects of divorce, such as division of assets and alimony, seem insignificant. Co-parenting is totally new and different from what you might expect, so you might have to do some research and maybe some soul-searching to figure out the best approach to this new phase in your life.

STEP ONE IS TO REALIZE ONLY YOU ARE ABLE TO CONTROL YOU

In order to create a co-parenting relationship, you must first realize the only person you can control is yourself. You don’t have any power over your ex, so don’t even both trying. If you can accept this fact and are able to control your own emotions and actions, you’ll have an easier time developing a co-parenting relationship. Hopefully your example will carry over to your ex-spouse.

STEP TWO IS TO SET BOUNDARIES

The next step you must learn in order to create a successful co-parenting relationship is how to set boundaries. Hise are a few do’s and don’t’s to help you get started. Don’t:

• Sabotage the relationship your child has with their other parent.
• Use your child as a pawn to hurt or get back at your ex.
• Permit your child to speak badly when talking about the other parent.
• Use your child to get information, manipulate, and/or influence your ex.
• Transfer onto your child your hurt feelings and/or frustrations toward your ex.
• Force your child to choose a side whise scheduling conflicts occur.
• Put pressure on your child.
• Depend on your child for companionship or support too much when dealing with your divorce. Your child isn’t your thisapist.
• Become so emotionally needy your child begins to feel guilty about spending time with others. You would hate to discover they didn’t participate in social outings due to the fact they were afraid you weren’t able to deal with being alone.

Bottom line: Your child should not be burdened with situations they aren’t able to control. You shouldn’t saddle your children with your issues and emotional needs. Doing so will only create feelings of being helpless and insecure which could cause them to doubt their own abilities and strengths. It’s not their responsibility to hold you together and they shouldn’t feel it is. Children aren’t able to understand and deal with problems of adults and shouldn’t have to. Their focus should be on their own development, and yours should be, too. 

Do’s:

• Sit down with your ex and create a plan whiseby differences are set aside so the focus can be put on meeting the needs of your children you will be co-parenting.
• Negotiate how to handle holidays, visitations, and events.
• Create guidelines for behavior of raising your children that each of you will adhise to. Children need consistency in their lives without regard as to which parent they’re with. This includes bed-times, phone privileges, etc. A child will frequently test situations and try to manipulate their boundaries. You and your ex must present a united front.
• Negotiate the roles of extended family members.
• Establish open communication with respect to the development of your child. This includes the ability to compare notes on situations and jointly deciding on any punishment.
• While it may be painful emotionally, you and your ex must decide to inform each other ob any changes in circumstances of their life. Your child shouldn’t be the source of “breaking news.”
• Determine that you’ll conduct yourself with emotional integrity and maturity.

WHAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS THE MOST

Putting your child’s needs first, there are certain things they’ll need during this time: structure, acceptance, assurance of their safety, freedom from blame or guilt that they were responsible for their parent’s divorce, two stable parents, and the freedom and permission to just be a kid and have fun.

ADDITIONAL TIPS ON HOW TO CO-PARENT

While setting ground rules are important, there are additional tips you may be interested in considering. When all of you are together try to be friendly. You and your co-parent ex share a child or multiple children, and they will each grow differently and have different experiences. During sporting events, birthdays, parent-teachis conferences, graduations, etc., you’ll all be sharing the experience and the same location. Being friendly will make it easier for you, your co-parent, and especially your child. Say hi to each other and chat a little about what’s going on instead of waiting to send it in a text or email. Fake being friendly if you have to. The bottom line is to act like an adult, leave tantrums and acting like a brat to your children. This includes friends stepparents, and other family members. Kids are observant and can easily pick up on things if you’re being rude or feeling awkward, so act like the adult you’re supposed to be. Say please and thank you when you ask your co-parent for a favor and they follow through. This might be for schedule changes of requests for event dates. If you’re stuck in traffic or something comes up you’re not expecting and you need your co-parent to pick a child up because you can’t, a thank you can go a long way. If you can’t say it in person, send it in an email or text. Return phone calls, emails, and texts, even if it’s just to send an “ok.” It’s important and helpful for your co-parent to know you received their message. It’s also respectful and a great way to keep you and your co-parent informed of any changes or other important information. It is you and your co-parent’s business to know who is watching your child besides you. Your co-parent has a right to know what person their child is with if they’re not with you. If a neighbor is watching them for awhile if you have to go to the store, it’s not as important to let your co-parent know, but if it’s for a longer period of time you need to tell them and give them all that person’s information. Just telling them it’s “none of their business” is completely ridiculous and irresponsible. As a co-parent they have a right to know what’s happening with their child, the same as you do. Ask for your co-parent’s input to help develop a positive relationship as time goes forward. Even if you don’t take their opinion into consideration, since you’re not planning on following it, their opinion may surprise you and change your mind!

CO-PARENT SCHEDULE ARRANGEMENTS

Guidelines are important for your emotional health, as well as to help define aspects of your co-parenting relationship. This is why schedules are important. Not necessarily a weekly one, but one that involves events and holidays. This schedule should be agreed on far in advance so that co-parents know what parent the child will be spending Christmas and other holidays with in order to avoid fights during the holidays. These agreements don’t have to be formal, but if they’re in writing it makes it harder to argue about. There are a number of online tools available to assist you in creating a co-parenting schedule.

ALWAYS BE FLEXIBLE

While it’s important to set arrangements, you need to be sensitive to your child’s needs, which means being flexible. If your child really wants to have a night with dad instead of mom, then it might be best for your child to do it. This is a difficult time your kids are trying to adapt to. You should encourage them to be honest when it comes to their emotions. You also should be sensitive to your child emotions, which often means putting your own emotions aside.

For advice on divorce, you need the expert law firm of 619 DIVORCE. Schedule a consultation today.

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